Easy To Be Me

Enjoying of ice hockey. Makes me forget all the problems and sadness of my life. I’m tired of everything. My friends, they are so in need to attention. I just don’t need their problems been dump on me. Like I should have all the answers. I don’t have them, how you can’t get that? I’m so tired. I like to know things of people, but I’m not sure is everything what I know about my friends so healthy. Specially of one guys secrets. Am I really that understanding? And open mind? I don’t feel like it.

Hardest thing in life, is live in it. I know that, I fucking know that. But does it have to be this hard? Does it have to feel like this inside of my head? My depression is getting harder to handle. I think I am depress, if I’m not, then this just sucks. If life is great when I feel like this, well what’s the point then? I want to feel better than this, I want shut the voices inside my head once and for good but I cant. I’m powerless whit my self.

I really can’t tell how many years I have felt like this. Many but how many, I don’t know… When I was a kid, I was scared, ’cause my dad drank. A lot. I just didn’t let anyone to see, how scared I really was. I just pretend like rest of my family. When he stop drinking, he start doing something else to replace his addiction. He just went to work and when he get home he sit down and work with his computer, probably almost all night And every test I did in school, what ever number I get, wasn’t good enough. 9+, 10-, it didn’t matter. He just started to explain what I have done wrong. So I stop drying. I didn’t show him my tests and he didn’t ask of them. And when I was 14 years old, I think I was 14th, my parents get divorce. And I don’t remember being sad. I kinda was relief. And after their divorce, he started drinking again. And next 4 years, I so my father couple times in year. He get married again, I was in his wedding. I spent the time in kitchen ’cause my father was drunk before the wedding even started. And since I turned 18th, I haven’t so my father at all. I haven’t even speak to him. He never called, so why I should call him?  And I think, ’cause of my father, and our relationship, and every little thing what I went thru with him when I grow up, it’s let to this point. I can’t trust anyone, ’cause I never could trust my father. I never feel like I’m good enough, ’cause I never was good enough in my father eyes. When I’m drinking alcohol, I get frozen ’cause I’m scared it will control me like it controls my father. And I know it makes me look like I’m fucking cold person, and maybe I really am so cold-hearted  than people sees me, when I say, I don’t love my father. At all. So how I get past all of that?

At least I am. Junior high school was hard. It felt like I had one or two friends who still are my friends but they really don’t get me. And in vocational school I was one of the two girl on my class. And the other one, didin’t graduate. And now, I’m working at janitor. Today my friend who calls her self my best friend, made me realize that she is not the kind of best friend I want. She want me to drive to see her, and I should allways make time for her and listen her problems, but she dosen’t even know what goes inside my head. And we supposed go to watch a movie. Like two month ago. And she allways whine about hers sister, how irritating she is and some other stuff what isin’t need to be note hear, and still, she makes time to go movies with her. So are I her best friend or am I her shrink?

Just a another day to get thru. Like yesterday, day before that and tomorrow. Stuck with my boring life, day after day, no way out. Or maybe there is….

Yeah, I am emotionally ill. I had a shitty day. I allways have a shity day. And if it starts allright, I allways be able to screw it up.

Or mostly it is just full of shit. How you can feel so alone, so dead all the time. No one notices me, no one sees who I really am. No one cares how sad I am. ‘Cause I am invisible girl.

And I don’t even know if I’m really sad. ‘Cause haft the time I feel…..nothing. Just big nothing. Yeah, I feel like I am repeating myself. I’m just this misery invisible girl. And maybe I am repeating myself. Maybe my life is just a repeat. Boring repeat.

Yeah I worked the christmas and now I work the New Year’s Eve. And why I wouldn’t? Everyone else has a family, I don’t. So why I wouldn’t… just work. At least… I forget how I feel when I have to keep working. I don’t know what I should do to get past this. Go to shrink? Yeah I think they would shoot them self if they get inside my head. Yeah it’s mest up, darkest place I know, at least.

I had a long weekend. I take care of my friend child. It was fun. People, who thinks that me and childs don’t match, some of them saw us. They didin’t say anything but they watch us and I saw it in their eyes. They couldn’t believe it. But they did.

There was also my special friend. I don’t remember did I told you, but I agreed to make his fantasy come true, and he asked me, if I had something what I would want him to do to me, he would “help” if he could. I lied to him, and said that I don’t have anything. He said that everyone has something what they desire, everyone has fantasy. And I know that ’cause I had said that so many people so many times. But how I could ask him to fill that only thing I want? ‘Cause he would be bound to me rest of his life. He probably wouldn’t want that. And even if I would take care that child alone, I don’t think he would be able to watch on the sidelines when I would be raising his child alone. And it would end us, eventually. ‘Cause someday his wife or someone else close to him would notice something. Someday I don’t know how we manage keep this, what ever this is, between us. How blind people can be not to notice things directly under their nose?

I cant tell him. Even when he says I can tell him anything, but I can’t. I just can’t. I want to tell him so bad so many things but I just can’t let my self to do it. Why I can’t trust him?

Don’t you wish you could write like carrie from sex and the city? At least I wish. Or when you hear a song that truly speaks to you, you keep wondering how they know? Everything you’re feeling has put in words. And when you try it your self, nothing comes out. People allways wish to be someone else, ’cause their life seems so much better. But it is? Are they just hiding behind mask, wishing no one to realize, their life isin’t perfect ether.

…I could write here lots of old stuff. I just other found something in my phone. My biggest desire. My own child. I see peolpe with their kid or kids and I just know, this is what I want. My own baby, who I would love more than anyone.  And this is something I wrote in the summer…

I’m tired of waiting, I want you in my arms. See you laughing when your happy, and when you sad, I want to make you smile again. Be there every step of your life, Watch over you even when you don’t want to. Take the blue away from you when someone burns you. I want my baby to grow inside of me, I remember not long ago I thought I could’t do it, but know even when I’m alone, I know I can. I want to sing you at sleep, give everything what I have to gave to you and hope more than anything, it’s enought.

Five by five, I’m out.

I have been flirting with someone a long time. It’s kinda wrong , because he is taken. But I ignore it, ’cause we have connection. I know his darkest secrets, things that his wife don’t know. And if she would know, well I don’t think he would be married anymore. Sometimes I think it would be easier just tell her. ’cause I wish he would be mine… But I don’t think he would trust me after that. Probably never again. He told me that he thinks I’m open and trustworthy person. So thats why he could tell me what he desires. I Just can’t see it.

Many man wouldn’t tell anyone what I know abut him. Many man wouldn’t ask someone do things what he wants me to do him. And I don’t mind.

But I keep wondering is that all what I am to him? Someone who he can screw with. Someone who will make his fantasies come true, and when it’s over just… go. Go back to his wife who won’t understand. Or does he want more from me? I can’t tell…

Well, thats nothing new, ’cause I suck with emotions. Been or feeling. I run from it. I hate to feel. And I even more hate fact that I can’t feel. Not really feel. Even if you read this and think how she can write all this shit and claim not to feel, it’s true. I don’t feel anything in my heart. Not anymore. Okey, I sometimes get fragments of feelings, but thats it. Nothing else than cold heart beating in my chest. And it is heavy as a rock.

I learn when I was just a kid it is much easier not to. Not to feel, not to care. But it also feel like I’m barely alive.

Five by five, I’m out.

Yeah, so I decided to start write a blog. I gonna keep writing in english so do not bother those many spelling mistakes I gonna make. It’s just feels right to write in english, finnish is so cold language. So all the shit I’m writing, sounds much better this way. Even when it’s not.

Well, Music.

It is Something what I need everyday. I wake up listening it, and I fall in sleep with it. Only with it. And my dog. My dog makes my life better. Someone to talk to, someone who listeng the words I say. Only problem is… He can’t speak. He can’t tell how crazy or pathetic I am.

So, back to the point. Music, I listeng it when I’m sad, when I’m happy. I write the most beautiful lyrics I know on my walls, to remind me of, well anything. The day I lost my faith in my father. The day I realized I have so many people around me and none of them really knows what I feel, who I am. The day I fell in love… in someone else’s husband. The day I made a giant mistake, and I don’t want to take it back.

I also write my own “lyrics” sometimes, but they suck. I just… need to get it out. I feel like I’m drowning on secrets. Mine, his and theirs.  I wont tell them, but I write them down. Specially My owns. Specially those that makes my heart feel like stone. Stone cold hearted, that’s who I am. And know I gonna share one of my lyrics, and yes I know it’s crappy….

Look at me, what you see?

I bet you think you know who I am,

but U don’t have no clue.

You say you’re here for me,

and still your allways away.

You say I can tell you anything,

like you would want to know me,

still your not listening the words I speak.

So why to spill my heart to you?

No, no I will bury it deep in me,

my heart’s not breaking, no it wont.

I Gonna let you go,

but it hard, ’cause you keep needing me too much.

So I keep thinking, should I show it.

Let you see real me, not what you thinking me to be.

You have allready broke one wall done,

are you breaking all of them

catching me when I fall?

You tell me everything about you,

somethings more than no one else knows.

I’m trying to make everything okey,

Hopefally it’s working for you,

’cause I feel like I died.

You say you’re here for me,

and still your allways away.

You say I can tell you anything,

like you would want to know me,

still your not listening the words I speak.

So why to spill my heart to you?

My head is spinning, I try to move on.

I’m stuck in this place, in this feeling,

there’s paople around me, still I feel alone,

just me and the secrets.

You say you’re here for me,

but your allways with her,

I’m just your wild fantasy who wont tell.

You say I can tell you anything,

but when I do, you’re not listening.

So why to spill my heart to you,

if you here the words after I’m gone?

Hopefully it works for you,
because it seems to me that I am dead,
Until you’ve heard the words which I speak,
Before I’m gone,
are you going to catch me when I fall.

And still I’m alone,

just me and the secrets.

Five by five, I’m out.